Filed under: Forgiveness, Obedience, Repentance, Walking in the Word, Word Study on February 5th, 2012 | No Comments »
Some time ago, a pastor shared an observational conversation he had in passing. While he was out and about, he noticed a woman and her two small children. The little boy was doing karate chops on his little sister and the mother looked a bit harried trying to get them under control. He approached the mother and, in his words, he said lovingly, “Oh, he’s been beholding the Power Rangers.”
“How do you know he loves the Power Rangers,” the woman replied in surprise.
“Because he’s acting just like them… and Jesus says, ‘If you will behold me, you will become just like me.’” The pastor finished his message with this advice: ”Take your eyes off of you and everything you think is wrong with you and put your eyes on Jesus and I promise you, as you behold Him you will be transformed and you will become just like Him – from glory to glory.”
So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord–who is the Spirit–makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image. ~ 2 orinthians 3:18, NLT
While clearance shopping with a new acquaintance at a department store that was going out of business, a little known quirk of my personality was royally irked. Shopping Buddy kept repeating a phrase that rubbed me raw. She claims Christ and as my regular readers know, I look for Christ in those who claim Him to me. During the course of our shopping spree, we each tried on nearly a dozen dresses. With each of the more spectacular dresses she tried on, she exclaimed, “Wow, I look like a princess!”
My selections were rather disappointing. Too small, too big, too short, too long. With each successive disappointment of a dress, I looked at my reflection and said, “This doesn’t look like me.”
Listening to the squeals of delight coming from Shopping Buddy’s dressing room a couple of doors down, I kept thinking, “Why would she want to look like a princess?” Mind you, we’re talking ‘story-book-fairytale’ princess of the Disney variety. I admit to a certain amount of haughty disdain I had at the idea of looking like a false worldly facade of beauty. It took me a day or so of ruminating on our differing concepts of beauty – looking like a princess (hers) and looking like myself (mine) – before I came to the root of my annoyance.
I was looking for a dress that was a reflection of me. She was looking for a dress that looked like someone else’s idea of beauty and perfection.
Grace and peace to you from the one who is, who always was, and who is still to come; from the sevenfold Spiritbefore his throne; and from Jesus Christ. He is the faithful witness to these things, the first to rise from the dead, and the ruler of all the kings of the world.
All glory to him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by shedding his blood for us. He has made us a Kingdom of priests for God his Father. All glory and power to him forever and ever! Amen. ~ Revelation 1:4-6
So many women want to be a ‘princess’, not realizing it’s such a powerless position to be in. They want the fairytale as told in the storybooks or by Hollywood. So many people are so intent on pursuing the fantasy they give no attention to the reality of who they are. And without attention, there’s no appreciation.
I am a king and a priest. I know that. I am seated in high places through Jesus Christ in the presence of our Father God. I walk out my authority in this life as much as I am aware to do so. A princess has no power or authority or dominion. The formula fairy tale princesses we are taught to admire are told what to do, they are all in need of rescuing, and they are either taken or given into marriage. They tale is usually billed as a “love” story, but the choice is rarely their own. Their impossible situations usually dictate their course of action. They’re too poor, they can’t return home, their relatives are cruel – you name it. A handsome charming man comes along and poof! Stars are in their eyes, they get married and all their problems are solved. We are taught to rely on a flesh and blood man with these tales which causes us to neglect the Spirit of God. Neglecting the Spirit limits our opportunity to cultivate spiritual fruit in our lives.
Yes, these thoughts were swirling around disjointedly in my head while I was trying on dresses and listening to my shopping buddy squeal in delight at her royal finds. And yes, I do admit to an initial twinge of feminine jealousy. I want to look like a royal too. I want my majestic and regal bearing to show through whatever I wear. And I wasn’t seeing that in the selections I tried on… until the very last dress. The most plain and unadorned dress. It was colorless and very, very simple compared to the other nine indulgent, scrumptiously succulent creations I had dragged into the dressing room. Yes, the part of me that is all worldly woman wanted grandeur. I wanted a frock with amazing artsy design, scrumptious fabric and a stunning fit made for a photo finish. But that worldly woman got beat down when I tried on a plain white dress that sparkled at the fitted bodice and fitted waist with silver thread and crystal beads. It was such a perfect fit and a perfect length that it looked like it was made for me… just me. 
As I stood looking at my reflection – with not a stitch of make-up on, brown tweed applejack cap riding low on my forehead, white wire-rim glasses perched on my nose, and thick dingy athletic socks peeking out from the pristine hem I was kicking up and around – I thought, This looks like me. Even my round middle looked elegant in the dress! And that’s what I loved about the last dress I tried on – it looked good on me just as I was in that moment. Though initially, the worldly woman in me was looking for a grandiose dress that would make me look better than I do, I’m glad I walked out of that dressing room knowing that I, in my plain, unadorned state, brought splendor to a plain, unadorned dress. With all my heart, I thank God for simplicity.
Dear friends, we are already God’s children, but he has not yet shown us what we will be like when Christ appears. But we do know that we will be like him, for we will see him as he really is. And all who have this eager expectation will keep themselves pure, just as he is pure. ~ 1 John 2:2-3
The shopping episode had me thinking about the ease with which we speak words that reveal and/or impact our spiritual condition. I could have gone another way in that dressing room. I could have seen myself as someone I didn’t want to be and sought to cover myself with trappings of someone else’s idea of fineness. Instead, I saw myself exactly as I was – nothing spectacular for the eye to look at but so wonderfully and awesomely made in love. I am attentive to that distinction. I am intent on reflecting more and more of my King Jesus. I appreciate who I am as an individual creation of my Father God.
Filed under: Identity, Pop Culture v. The Bible on January 28th, 2012 | No Comments »
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ~ Jeremiah 29:11 NLT
More than six years ago, I moved to New York City from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. That statement by itself has impressed quite a few people. But I didn’t move to impress anyone. At the time I just wanted to be in New York City. Moving here had been an acknowledged desire of mine for more than ten years prior to me actually doing it. With what I know now, I would call that desire a “calling”. Now, I would say I was called to New York City; indeed, I was instructed to go to New York City. It was part of the plan God had for me and it took over a decade for me to answer His call.
Of course I didn’t know it then, but I see it so clearly now.
At that time, I knew I was on a journey of self-exploration, but I had no idea how the road would unfold before me. The only thing I was focused on was learning more about me. In my simple-mindedness, my self-exploration centered on having a sexual revolution because I thought all my problems rooted from my childhood sexual abuse. I’ll tell you now, I thought God was going to let me have my way because it was something I thought I needed in order to heal myself. I believed that I had been repressed back home in Milwaukee – confined to what everyone else expected of me and wanted from me. I saw NYC as my opportunity to burst free.
When I moved to the City, I was working on my second self-publishing venture, VoLux Full-Figured Calendar. One of my goals with the calendar was to show that women of all shapes and sizes (with natural looks and curves) deserved as much media attention as the women starving themselves to be on magazine covers. My wholesome goal of showcasing women in an attractive fashionable spread that would encourage self-esteem and positive body image was received as a highly sexualized product. Through I was trying to explore my sexuality in my personal life, I was not interested in pimping images of women through my business.
However, I did get momentarily caught up in the dream of high fashion and how I could apply it to my life and my talents. In other words, when I came to the City, I had an intention to be an active participant in all things pertaining to plus-size fashion. And I was active for a couple of years. My second calendar was published in 2006 and I admit to being “MySpace-famous” when that cover hit my social media network. Uncomfortably so. During that time, I realized that I was not interested in the attention I was receiving – people who would only talk to me if my product could do something for their product or service; models who only wanted to meet me so they could be in my next calendar; and main stream fashion folks who had no interest in my work at all because my black “wasn’t relevant” and neither was my size.
Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength? Why pay for food that does you no good? Listen to me, and you will eat what is good. You will enjoy the finest food. “Come to me with your ears wide open. Listen, and you will find life. I will make an everlasting covenant with you. I will give you all the unfailing love I promised to David. [Says the Lord your God] ~ Isaiah 55:2-3 NLT
After a couple of years of battling myself and trying to sustain the business model I had developed in Milwaukee, I stopped trying to force myself on the narrow-minded fashion industry in New York City and started asking myself questions. And surprisingly, I was able to answer my questions too.
Why is it so important to me to have a plus-size fashion calendar? It’s not. Then why am I working so hard on this? Because I had planned a course of action and committed to it. Well, if it’s my plan, my action and my life, can’t I change my mind? Absolutely! So, going back to the beginning, why did I want to start a business in the first place? I wanted something I could do from home. Something seasonal in nature that would allow time with my husband and children while contributing income to the family. What else can I do that this goal would apply to? I can write.
My blog started on MySpace.com. I started writing about plus-size fashion and my adjustment to NYC. Two years later I published my first Christian lifestyle book, My God and Me: Listening, Learning and Growing on My Journey which consisted mostly of my MySpace blog posts. I did not foresee my change in perspective, priority or purpose. However, when I conceived the idea for My God and Me, I was then able to trace God’s active guidance and instruction in my life. Up to that point, I hadn’t believed He was paying much attention to me. Moving to New York City with no family or friends to depend on and not going hungry or homeless for one day has certainly shown me my God is very attentive to my every need. Over the last six years, I have grown to trust God more and more every day. My hearing has sharpened to pick up His whispers. My eyes have cleared to recognize the good things He is giving me and the bad things I need to steer away from. My heart is open to His Kingdom, therefore His Kingdom is open to me.
The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. ~Matthew 13:22 NIV
I’m going to speak to those who have been abused, mistreated or violated in any way because my old way of thinking came from the mindset of a victim – a captive. I was thinking and acting like someone in bondage who was desperately seeking freedom. All I could recognize was that I needed to reclaim what was taken from me. In my simplicity, I sought to redeem myself by casting what is sacred (my body) before swine (any man who is not my husband). However, the only way to keep the sacred holy is to set it apart. The sacred must remain clean and untouched by that which is unholy (anything not sanctioned by God).
I had been sexually violated in my youth, so I grew up thinking that my power rested in controlling who had access to my body. In my foolishness, I fancied being loose with my favors and indiscriminate with my choices. Those thoughts appealed to me because I would be able to choose. Please note: there is definite power in our ability to choose, however we are only truly empowered when we make the right choice. The right choice will always line up with God’s word and His will for our life.
Seek the LORD while you can find Him. Call on him now while He is near. Let the wicked change their ways and banish the very thought of doing wrong. Let them turn to the LORD that He may have mercy on them. Yes, turn to our God, for He will forgive generously. ~ Isaiah 55:6-7
If you’ve read my recent post, 18 Years Celibate: An Anniversary I Didn’t Plan On, you know that God didn’t allow my foolish thoughts to grow into action. When God took hold of me and brought me to New York City (what I thought would be the perfect playground for my ridiculous fantasies), He put me in an incubator of sorts. He began weeding through my consciousness, and uprooting ideas. He cleansed me of the lies I believed about myself, my life and my purpose. He shook the loose soil of the world off of me and repotted me in His Kingdom. He’s been watering me and feeding me ever since. I’m still getting pruned. He still has trimming and shaping to do, but my environment now if God’s Heavenly Kingdom, not the world I inhabit.
My early internal struggles were resolved when I realized that what other people expected of me was not nearly as important as what I expected of myself. And what I expect of myself is not nearly as important as what God expects of me. The business I began building in Milwaukee was a business that appealed to the senses of the world. Worst yet, the images I created incited lust in the viewer – lust ranging from a desire for fame, exposure or sex. The work of my hands was feeding the flesh and dishonoring the God I was beginning to know and walk with.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.
“The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry.
It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. ~ Isaiah 55:8-11 NLT
When I first moved here, I was looking forward to all that the City had to offer. I was eager to experience as much of “the life” as possible. I did my fair share of arts and cultural events. I did as much of the dance club scene as I could stand. I went corporate for employment and the ladder I’m on seems to extend and expand only by the grace of God’s attention to my life. All of my experiences in this city have been good – even the painful ones. The City has embraced me as much as I’ve embraced it – but certainly not in the ways I first thought. Over the years, I thought it odd that God would bring me to a city steeped in sin, the Babylon of the U.S. if you will, only to purify and sanctify me….
But His thoughts are so far beyond my own…. I have learned to follow where He leads and to do what He tells me to do.
I’m not so humble that I don’t recognize the remarkable work God has performed in my life. He has been building an amazing one-of-a-kind woman who has found comfort in His strength, purpose in His word and love in His presence. The confidence his care and attention has imbued in me makes me equally confident that He has put just as much effort and time in my mate. For God’s Kingdom is a kingdom of partnership and order. He has molded me into a helpmate with a thirst for His Spirit. This means that the one I am to assist has also been re-modeled into God’s image and character.
May you be so blessed in your journey to recognize the hand and the work of the Master in your life. And trust Him to do His part as you obey His instructions and do your part.
Filed under: Identity, Life, Obedience, On the Road, Testimony, Trust, Walking in the Word on January 25th, 2012 | No Comments »
On my second New Year’s Eve in New York City, I visited the historic Riverside Church in Harlem. I was in search of a church home and was immediately awed by the atmosphere in the nave of Riverside. The majestic gothic interior had a lot to do with my initial reaction.
I was in need of a message on that crisp Sunday morning. God, in His infinite wisdom, delivered one to me. I had been struggling with issues that were hard to put into words. I talked about the things I could speak on with those who would listen. But even those simpler speakable things were not well received by friends.
I was changing. As we all do. Not only was God reworking me in a major way, I knew it was time for me go to another level. I was ready for a change, however I had no idea how monumentally drastic it would be. In 2005, when I decided to move to New York, I told my family and friends I would not be in contact for at least six months. I thought that was all the time I needed for my personal evolution. My knowledge then only scratched the surface, and it’s not much deeper now. However, after my visit to Riverside Church, I became more accepting of whatever changes were to come in my life.
God is in the Growing
Reverend Dr. R. Scott Colglazier gave the sermon that helped me over a hump that resembled a mountain at the time. There were hundreds of people in the nave that Sunday morning, yet I felt as if I was sitting face to face with the Reverend Doctor in private conversation, finally accepting words that have been offered previously but not embraced. He said, “People talk about Jesus as being constant – always the same now and forever. Though the essence of Jesus never changes, there was a time when Jesus, the man, went through change.”
“I hear you,” he said. “‘As soon as life gets good, as soon as everything falls into place, I’ll start living in God’s presence.’ What if the pieces are never all together? What if God is only found in the growth, in the striving, in the struggles of everyday life…? God is discovered in the growing, not the perfecting of life…. Don’t miss out on sharing your gifts with the world. You’re in a growing moment. You know what that’s like, don’t you? When you want to give up…. When you’re missing home…. When you want to sob, not cry, but sob. Those are growing moments. Without vulnerability, mistakes, and heartaches – we don’t grow. We don’t change.”
How profound is that? How did he know my heart? How did he know my fears? How did he know how to soothe me?
Of course, he wasn’t telling me anything new, but sometimes we get so deep in our troubles, someone else’s voice works as a beacon to guide us through our darkness.
I’ve been an advocate for change all my life. I’ve embraced it. Searched for it. Preached it to others. I had lived in four states and six cities by the age of fourteen. By the age of twenty-six, I had been to six countries on two continents and visited forty of fifty states, speaking three languages. One of my selling points in job interviews had been my adaptability to change. However, none of that, nor my positive attitude, upbeat personality, adventurous spirit, thirst for knowledge and culture or my facility with conversation was sufficient preparation for the road I am now traveling. Or rather, all that preparation has not been the focus of this portion of my journey.
Roadblocks
I have some good friends, but during my personal and spiritual evolution I discovered none of them was able to give me anywhere near what I needed, when I needed it. By the time Reverend Dr. Colglazier spoke to me, I had been re-evaluating my family and friend relationships for over a year. The night before I attended his service, I had concluded I had no true friends. I had no helpers or supporters who were available for me to call on in my need. They had all been tested in some way. My friends showed support but rarely followed through by actually giving support. They encouraged me to call on them and ask for assistance whenever I needed them, but they rarely responded to my call.
What my summary does not take into account are all the variables of life – marriage, children, mortgages, jobs, sick parents, personal transitions. When I have felt that my friends have failed me, they were championing others or caring for themselves. This may be the same situation when I have failed them. I have changed as a friend over the last few years as well. Whereas I used to make myself available in some capacity whenever I was called, I became a hermit and cocooned myself during my transition. I have said no to more requests for my time and space during this time than in the entire span of any given friendship. I needed to distance myself. I needed to be stripped of my sense of ease, security and comfort. No matter what type of relationship you have with family and friends, when you are surrounded by them you have a sense that whatever befalls you, someone will pick you up. Innately, I knew the people I turned to for advice, conversation, support, or just a listening ear were not people I could go through a personal evolution with.
God needed to be my focus. Solitude was necessary for me to learn to communicate with Him and build our relationship. He isolated me so I could hear Him better. It was time for me to lean on God and allow Him to lift me.
Everyone I knew, family and friends, were roadblocks to my spiritual growth. I don’t mean that in a demeaning way. We all have our tests and struggles in life. James tells us to count all our trials as joy because the testing of our faith produces patience and matures us (James 1:2-4). My family and friends were blocking my growth because their expectations of me kept my focus on them and their needs. Yes, it is good to help others; however, it is not good to neglect yourself. I did my best to fulfill whatever people expected or requested of me. My effort was based on my desire to be a positive influence in everyone’s life. A dependable influence. Many people had let me down, and I didn’t want to be the cause of anyone’s disappointment or disillusionment. If I could be a representative of the good of man/womankind, then I would do all that I could. If someone asked me to bend backwards and my back was paining me, I wouldn’t tell them I couldn’t, I wouldn’t even tell them that my back hurt. I would bend back as far as I could. I would barely recover before the next person and the next person and the next person were asking me to bend just a little bit further….
When I got tired of bending, I stood up and walked away. Far, far away….
For those who asked, I truthfully shared my desire to get to know me. I wanted to do things simply because I wanted to do them, not because something was expected or needed of me. I wanted to live without everyone else’s demands, influences, and judgments.
Ironically enough, when breaking down my daily life in New York, it’s not much different than my daily life in Milwaukee was. I’m a bit lonelier, but I am freer and happier overall. My essence, core, and character have not changed. I have grown more outspoken and protective of me, my wishes, and my boundaries. I’ve lost interest in being nice. I’ve gained a deeper interest in being right with God and true to myself.
My search for self-knowledge led directly to a deeper knowledge of, and connection with, God.
“I can’t go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
- Lewis Carroll
I can’t go back to who I was. Sometimes I cherish thoughts of giving up trying to live out my dreams and crawling back into the lifeless arms of my family and friends. That’s a fantasy I can no longer afford. I’m not interested in hearing the I-told-you-so’s and suggestions on how I should just settle for whatever is handed to me. Failure has never been part of my plan, but I’ve learned from all of my mistakes.
When Reverend Dr. Colglazier said, “You’re in a growing moment. You know what that’s like, don’t you? When you want to give up…. When you’re missing home…. When you want to sob, not cry, but sob. Those are growing moments.” I felt like he was shaking me awake. He went on to say, “Sometimes change is easy and joyful. Sometimes it’s painful and hard. Enlightenment is telling the truth of where you really are. Risk something this year. Risk something for yourself.”
The road of spiritual growth and personal development is never-ending. I became aware of my long journey a short time ago, when my physical uprooting mirrored my spiritual uprooting. It’s a lonely process, and every once in a while I’ve tried to pull someone onto the road with me. Not because I felt they needed to be there, but because I felt I was lacking in companionship. Or I simply couldn’t stand my own company anymore. After a few steps, my path got crowded and I got cramped. I felt a different type of frustration, as if my temporary companion was obstructing my view. I would then set them aside and continue forward by myself. I later regarded these short intermissions of friendly companionship as friends “failing” me. A transition is no time to test friends or family. God will never equip others to be to you what He wants to be to you while He’s teaching you to depend on Him. I wanted people to be trustworthy and dependable. Fortunately, I learned to trust and depend on my God for all things.
Meditation Verse: Acts 9:3-9
As he journeyed he came near Damascus, and suddenly a light shone around him from heaven. Then he fell to the ground, and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?”
And he said, “Who are You, Lord?”
Then the Lord said, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. It is hard for you to kick against the goads.”
So he, trembling and astonished, said, “Lord, what do You want me to do?”
Then the Lord said to him, “Arise and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.”
And the men who journeyed with him stood speechless, hearing a voice but seeing no one. Then Saul arose from the ground, and when his eyes were opened he saw no one. But they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. And he was three days without sight, and neither ate nor drank.
Filed under: Cultivating My Spirit, Life, On the Road, Relationship with God, Testimony, Trust, Walking in the Word on January 25th, 2012 | No Comments »
Ezekiel 37:1-14 NLT
Then He said to me,
Then He said to me,
Read some commentary on Ezekiel 37: from Matthew Henry’s Commentary of the Whole Bible http://www.ccel.org/ccel/henry/mhc4.Ez.xxxviii.html
Filed under: Life, Walking in the Word on January 17th, 2012 | No Comments »
Author of 